AstroMuse: A felt experience on the Libra-Aries Nodal Axis
The thing about cycling through depression is its uniquely blunt clench of mundane repetition. When I’m stuck in depression, the world all happens TO me, my distrust in myself is paramount, and I find myself doomed to a kind of nightmarish Groundhog Day.
More peculiar still, when caught in depression, I can usually see its exit sign and even know the directions out. Yet talk of motivation or willpower in this condition is senseless because these terms assume a level of attachment on my part to the ideas I represent. The truth is that I’ve spent so much of my focus this lifetime dismantling and exposing the chance chimera that is my persona that I’ve grown sick of my self-empowerment altogether!
Now, how to put myself together again, to rediscover my own inherent worth that I so readily permit others? Why participate in life, when I’ve conjured and ingrained so many ill-informed reasons to give up?
At its core, I’ve found my own answer to “why go on?” to be a different type of surrender than we’re used to imagining. If I were to surrender to life in conventional terms, it wouldn’t be in the aura of acceptance, but rather a renouncement of my very autonomy within nature’s grand cycles. Some days feel like this and I’m not proud of them.
But most of the time I’m able to take solace in this great Truth: Whether or not I give up on my life has no bearing on my larger life’s end-result: nature will carry me on as energy, as soul, no matter my relationship to it in this particular incarnation. The physics of my soul could never give up on Danny; so what difference would it ultimately make for Danny to flail temporarily, giving up on himself?
Why not surrender to the inevitability of my continuous becoming?